What the Singles in the Ward Want the Rest of Us to Know

As a young, never-married lifetime member of the church, this article especially hit home for me, and I feel that it should be something handed out to EVERY member of the church!!!


What the Singles in the Ward Want the Rest of Us to Know
by Debra Sansing Woods
From: LDS Living Magazine
http://www.ldslivingmagazine.com/articles/show/1296

We may think we know the singles in our ward or branch – who they are, what makes them tick, what they want out of life, and how best to meet their needs as members of our wards and branches, but how often do we stop and ask them – our single friends and acquaintances-- to speak for themselves, to tell us in their own words what they’d like the rest of us to know about them?

With these thoughts in mind, I recently took some time to talk with a dozen or so singles and former singles (namely, those who spent some real time being single past the age of 21), and invited them to tell the rest of us what they’d like us to know about their experience of being single in the church. Not surprisingly, I found the conversations eye-opening and enlightening and while I cannot include all of my findings in this one article, here are some of the themes and opinions that came up again and again.

1. No Two Singles are Alike.
Generally speaking, we singles share in common the fact that we’re single and LDS. But beyond those two characteristics, we are each very much individuals with our own histories related to marriage (some never-married, some married and divorced, and some widowed) and other aspects of our lives (some college-educated, some not; some lifetime LDS, some adult converts; some with children, others without); our own strengths and weaknesses; talents and interests; challenges and triumphs. We’re good at finding common ground with each other, but don’t assume that just because we’re single and LDS we are alike. We thrive on being valued as the individuals we truly are.

2. Most of Us Want to Marry (for the first time or again), but We’re Not Desperate To Marry.
In other words, please don’t ask us (at least not very often) if/when we are going to get married; If we had found the right one, we would be married by now. Sometimes, we really do appreciate your efforts to find us a match, but keep in mind that even if you know a single man or woman who has a pulse and is an active member of the church, these facts alone do not necessarily make him or her a good marriage prospect for us. Even so, if you feel prompted to introduce us to someone you think may be a fun date or a good match, go ahead and introduce us, but don’t pressure us to go out with them. We’re more likely to marry successfully if we’re given a little time and space to seek inspiration for ourselves.

3. We Sisters Would Like Your Help to Find a Few More Good Men.
Or make that a few thousand more good men. One single sister from Oklahoma City had this to say about being a single sister in the church: “The singles’ conference I just got back from had 700 women and 200 men attending. Ridiculous! Where are all the men? Inactive, I believe. We need Elders’ Quorums and High Priest Groups to get out there and do their jobs contacting these guys. There is no way they can be righteous priesthood holders when they are inactive with NO friends at church. All of us single sisters would just rather stay single than end up with a man who does not have a strong testimony and is not a valiant priesthood holder. We sisters cannot activate these guys alone. We need our priesthood’s help to make this happen.”

4. We Value Your Friendship.
We share some terrific friendships with other singles, but we share some wonderful friendships with our married friends as well. While we may not have our marital status, or, rather, lack of marital status in common with our married friends, we often share many other things in common with them. In some cases, we share a love of music, everything from Broadway musicals to participating in the ward choir. In other cases, we may share an interest in the outdoors, including camping and hiking. And oftentimes, we simply share a similar outlook on life, perhaps, a deep and abiding belief in our responsibility to make a positive difference in the world around us through consistent and compassionate acts of service.

When it comes to our friendships with our married friends, truth be told, most of us love spending time in their homes because their homes are so full of the energy and bustle of family life, a nice contrast to our quieter dwellings. So, thanks for inviting us over for dinner and for sharing your family home evenings with us. Your friendships enrich our lives tremendously.

5. We Appreciate Your Sensitivity to our Unmarried and Possibly Childless Circumstances When You Deliver Your Sacrament Meeting Talks and Share Your Sunday Lessons.
We love the fact that the church is family-centered and so we understand that many talks and lessons are necessarily written and prepared with families in mind. Even so, we appreciate it when teachers and speakers take into account that not all of us live in homes where there is the ideal of a mother, father and children. We do not expect or want to be pitied for our lack of such a family situation, but we are positively impacted when teachers and speakers make an effort to tailor their lessons, in part, to speak to our particular circumstances.

Those of us who are single women without children have been especially touched on Mother’s Day when the speakers have honored the difference we try to make in the lives of children not our own, whether those children are our nieces and nephews, the children we teach in primary, or our neighbors’ and friends’ kids. We feel loved and wanted when ward members make an extra effort to help us feel a full part of this wonderful and vibrant family church.

6. We Need Diligent Home Teachers and Visiting Teachers.
A good number of us have not experienced the blessing of having faithful home teachers and visiting teachers. Those of us who have know the tremendous difference such a blessing can make in our lives. A single mother of two has this to say about her faithful home teachers: “I am so very thankful for the presence of the priesthood in my home on a monthly basis. I make it a point to thank their wives for allowing them to spend time bringing a message to us as well as teaching me to do things like how to caulk the cracks in my windows.” Please know that whether we have family nearby or not, we benefit immensely from having diligent home teachers and visiting teachers.

7. We Love to Serve in Church Callings and in Other Church-Related Volunteer Capacities, but We Often Have Less Free Time than Others Might Think.
For those of us who do not have children, we find that our married friends sometimes assume we have fewer responsibilities and far more free time than we actually have. In reality, many of us work hard to keep our heads above water with demanding jobs, the sole responsibility for the care and upkeep of our homes, and the needs of friends and/or family, sometimes including our aging parents. Additionally, some of us actively volunteer in the community, striving to make a difference in the lives of our fellow citizens. Please know that we very much desire to serve in the church and are committed to doing so as we seek to prayerfully balance our church service with the demands and needs in our personal lives.

8. We Enjoy Serving in a Variety of Church Callings.
We are happy to serve in the nursery and in the singles’ group but, overall, we enjoy serving in a wide range of callings, everything from Primary Teacher and Youth Sunday School Instructor to Relief Society Counselor and Ward Missionary. Wherever we are asked to serve, we seek to use the special skills and knowledge we have gained from our work and professional lives to magnify our church callings. One of the biggest reasons we want and even need to serve in a variety of callings is so that we can learn and grow in ways that we would never otherwise have the opportunity to learn and grow in. Also, perhaps more than anything else, we want to serve in a variety of capacities because we desire to make a positive difference in the lives of as many of our fellow church members as we can.

9. We Hope You’ll Celebrate the Good in Our Lives with Us.
While we may feel down at times about not being married and, as the case may be, not having any children, we find there is still much good to celebrate in our lives. It means a great deal to us when our friends at church share in our excitement about a job promotion or in our enthusiasm for a talent we are striving to develop. We work hard to create happy lives no matter what our circumstances and, truth be told, our happiness naturally doubles when shared with others.

10. Know that You Make a Powerful and Positive Difference in Our Lives.
If you ever wonder whether you make a difference in our lives, be assured that you do. We can recall numerous times when your friendship and caring have made an important difference for each of us.

One formerly single mom in our midst can remember a period of time, in particular, when some married members of her ward made a big difference in her and her daughter’s life. She had just come through a difficult divorce and found herself unexpectedly the sole parent and provider for her toddler. This young mother’s heart ached as she thought about her daughter growing up without the benefit of a dad to help raise her.

Thankfully though, two couples in her ward, sensitive to her and daughter’s situation, invited them into their homes to share dinners and family gatherings. The young mother found enormous comfort in knowing that, although she couldn’t, at that time, give her daughter a dad, members in her ward had thoughtfully and lovingly filled in some of the gaps. They had filled in those gaps by the simple act of welcoming a single mother and her child into their homes – homes where the dads were present and loving to their wives and children and where everyone living there had enough room in their hearts to show love and concern for a single mother and an essentially fatherless little girl.

The mother went on to marry again and her husband became a wonderful dad to her daughter. Even so, that formerly single mother will never forget the kindness and generosity of her fellow ward members – ward members who, like so many of you, have loving hearts and a tender spot for the singles in their ward.